When Life Feels Heavy: A New Way Forward

January has been tough... a vulnerable share

TW: Mention of Infertility / Fertility treatment

I don’t know if it’s the collective energy of the new year, the pressure to set goals and “start fresh,” or the simple reality that winter can feel bleak—but this month has felt heavy.

Astrologically, it makes sense. Saturn is currently conjunct my IC, a transit that feels like being pulled into the depths of everything unresolved. Reflection, reckoning, restructuring. It’s necessary, but it’s exhausting.

I’ve been doing a lot of inner work—digging into my Human Design and Gene Keys, trying to understand my patterns, my purpose, and why certain things feel so difficult right now. One thing is clear: I’m meant to share my emotions. To express. To let myself be seen.

But that’s hard. Vulnerability is hard. And the question that lingers is always: Does anyone even care?

I’m enjoying writing on Substack and I know I ‘should’ be more consistent, but it does sometimes feel like shouting into the void.

The Weight I’ve Been Carrying

This month, I’ve felt like I’ve been in survival mode. Enduring rather than enjoying.

• I’ve been searching for a part-time marketing job, after finishing up as Head of Marketing late last year for wellness community Kaylo. I have been hoping to find something that feels aligned. Out of all the roles I looked at, I applied for one. The rejection came within hours. It was disheartening, but more than that, it made me question things. Am I looking in the wrong places? Or am I meant to carve out a different path entirely?

• My health has been front and centre. I had an all-clear CT scan, which should have felt like a relief—and it did—but the fear that cancer brings doesn’t just disappear. It lingers, a shadow that whispers, What if?

• Then came the news about our embryos. Before chemotherapy, we preserved them as a safety net. A hope for the future. We recently found out they’re not viable. That was a quiet heartbreak—one that doesn’t scream, but felt heavy in my heart. Unfair. Not that life is fair.

Everything has felt uncertain, and my instinctive response has been to push. Find solutions. Make a plan. Move forward. But when I looked back at past versions of myself who had felt this lost, the advice I would have given her wasn’t to “figure it out.”

It was to stop.

Stop trying so hard to fix things.

Stop searching for the perfect answer.

Stop gripping so tightly to control.

And instead — Rest. Reflect. Listen.

Compassion as a Practice

One of the biggest insights from my Gene Keys is that my life’s work is compassion (my sun is Gene Key 22). And as a 6/2 profile in Human Design—a role model—I can’t just talk about it. I have to embody it first.

That’s tricky when my inner critic is loud. I hold myself to impossible standards. I measure my worth by productivity, by tangible results, by things I can prove.

But what if “the work” isn’t about achieving or fixing?

What if, at the end of each day, the only questions I need to ask myself are:

• Have I been compassionate to myself today?

• Have I allowed myself to express my true feelings?

• Have I expressed my creativity in some way?

That feels like a different kind of self-work. One that isn’t about doing more, but about being more honest with myself.

A New Experiment: Creative Rewilding with HD

I know I’m not the only one feeling like this—like life has been a lot lately. Like joy feels distant. Like purpose feels murky.

So, I’m trying something different. An experiment. A commitment to explore what makes life feel lighter, more meaningful, and—most of all—more alive.

I don’t have all the answers, but I do know this: I don’t want to spend another year waiting to feel better. I want to actively create more joy, more ease, more space for self-expression. Mostly, I want to end each day knowing I’ve done ‘the work’ I mention above. Redefining what ‘productivity’ looks like for me.

For the next few months, I’ll be sharing my experiences as I:

• Reconnect with creativity in simple, everyday ways.

• Use my Human Design chart as inspiration- what ‘should’ light me up according to the chart?!

• Let go of perfectionism and experiment with what feels good.

• Explore themes of play, purpose, and emotional alignment.

• Share honest reflections about what’s working (and what’s not).

This isn’t about “finding” purpose or joy like they’re missing objects. It’s about exploring, playing, testing, allowing. And I don’t want to do it alone.

An Invitation to You

If any of this resonates—if you’ve been feeling stuck, uninspired, or like you’re just getting through—I’d love for you to come along on this experiment with me.

Here’s how you can be part of it:

• Subscribe to my Substack for weekly updates on what I’m trying and learning. (Free!)

• Try your own creative experiments and share your experiences in the comments. (Free!)

• (Optional) Join my paid subscription tier for exclusive insights, prompts, and live discussions. Including a members-only chat where you can share your Human Design chart and I’ll give you personalised ideas based on your placements for your own Creative Rewilding experiments too.

Join the VIP tier to include a 60 minute 1:1 Human Design reading and a month of personal Q&A in the DMs (save £145 on my normal rate for this!)

Most of all, I’d love to hear from you:

What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to try but never made time for? What’s a small step you could take this week to explore joy?

Let’s stop waiting for life to feel lighter. Let’s create it—together.